|
|
Expat Diary: A Pint of
Phuket Please
By Barry Daniel
It’s not so much the presence of an
authentic English country pub, publican and trimmings that surprise. This
island is full of escapees from the modern day apocalypse that is overpriced
Britain, and Brits always need their pub, no matter how far they flee
It had been a good few weeks since the tragic events of the past Boxing
Day, and it was time to go out for a pint in Phuket to see if normal service
was being resumed.
Going out for a pint in Phuket has always been a thoroughly invigorating
thing to do, of course. The vistas are lovely, the locals are friendly and,
as an island economy heavily reliant on the tourist dollar, all is welcoming
and accommodating. Or is it?
The first port of call was to be the idiosyncratic “Dinosaur Bar”, which
lives beneath “Thailand’s only active volcano”, on the hilltop road between
Karon and Kata beaches. That particular volcanic jest now seemed a little
unfortunate, in the light of the other natural disaster which had just
visited such devastating effect this part of the world.
In order to travel to the Dinosaur Bar — and to salute the passing of the
great Hunter S. Thompson (author of Hell’s Angels, among many other
wonderful pieces of gonzo journalism) — a motorcycle was hired for the
evening. Off we set on our little Honda. Admittedly, this was not quite the
muscular Harley that Hunter used for his investigative foray into the world
of Sonny Barger and the San Francisco chapter of the Angels, but, up against
the ever-terrifying Phuket pickup drivers, this was challenge enough.
In order to convey our persons to the said Dinosaur Bar, it was necessary to
drive through Patong and Karon beaches. Well, guess what? Normal service had
most certainly been reinstated, with no less than two police roadblocks
located along this short stretch of road. And what exactly were these
exemplary guardians of Thailand’s peaceful sanctity up to? They were
stopping foreign tourists and forcing them to pay “fines” to avoid immediate
police reprisals for such heinous crimes as riding without carrying one’s
passport, or riding without one’s lights on during the day.
So let us get this straight. Thailand is spending billions of baht worldwide
to convince tourists to come back to Phuket. And when the first optimistic
visitors do respond to these overtures, they’re subjected to extortion by
Thailand’s finest, just as if the killer wave had never appeared over yon
horizon.
The Dino Bar is something of a surrealist parallel universe to everyday
reality. Salvador Dali would have loved it. Here, you can savour a round of
crazy golf among frill-necked raptors and a blaze eyed Tyrannosaurus if that
is your desire in the land of serenity and Buddhist wisdom. Alternatively,
you can avail yourself of the not inconsiderable pleasure of quaffing a Dino
Sexy, a Volcano Surprise or the inevitable Flintstone’s Fantasy, while
watching real live pachyderms eat bananas from their mahouts’ hands. It’s a
weird place indeed, and it was packed with tourists.
These enthusiastic punters seemed to be of the red seared skin, heavily
tattooed, hairy and muscular persuasion. And that was just the women!
They were probably recent escapees from some repressive former Soviet state
where liberal policymaking had recently decreed a ten minute smoking break
for lady miners once every two weeks. Clearly they were not going to let a
little reshuffling of the Earth’s tectonic plates divert them from their
Dino cocktails.
Pints were few on the ground at the Dino Bar and so we turned instead to a
re-creation of an authentic English pub, in order to find the real thing.
Breasting the hill between Kata and Chalong Bays one immediately descends
into the verdant loveliness of North Devon. Or so mine jovial host at the
Green Man, Howard Digby-Johns, would have us believe. The black and white
faux timbered Tudor façade signals yet another piece of Phuket surrealism.
It’s not so much the presence of an authentic English country pub, publican
and trimmings that surprise. This island is full of escapees from the modern
day apocalypse that is overpriced Britain, and Brits always need their pub,
no matter how far they flee. What is decidedly surreal is that Howard has
also seen fit to construct a secret Dionysian Temple behind the pub, in
which one can only assume that this latter day magnus conducts unseemly
orgies and Devil worship. Asked about his interest in the sacrifice of young
virgins, Howard was quick to point out that while the notion had indeed
crossed his mind, female acolytes with the necessary qualifications seemed
to be in particularly short supply on Phuket. Normal service was most
certainly back in evidence at The Green Man, where the Guinness was as
always good for us, and a crowd of locals staggered out of the “blind” wine
tasting.
Finally we decamped to Jimmy’s Lighthouse to conclude our research
overlooking the calming waters of Chalong Bay. A motley crew of bearded sea
dogs propped up the bar, the stout wooden trestles normally used for this
purpose having been temporarily misplaced.
Jimmy’s is of course the home of one of the five most brilliant ideas that
person-kind has ever devised.
The other four greatest ideas are:
a) The theory of Gravity — Sir Isaac Newton
b) The theory of Natural Selection — Charles Darwin
c) The theory of General Relativity — Albert Einstein
d) The bikini — Anon
Jimmy’s immaculate contribution to this pantheon of brilliance is the
Jasmine Club. This wonderful institution is a fund set up to benefit local
underprivileged children to which one can contribute by the simple act of
drinking in Jimmy’s bar. The more you indulge, the greater your contribution
to the fund and the higher your stock of good karma rises. Brilliant, or
what?
After several hours of do-gooding, we weaved our happy way homewards,
replete with a warm glow of self satisfied munificence and indulgence. An
island that is home to such thoughtful hedonism can’t be too bad and despite
the worst efforts of the boys in brown it would seem that the normal service
for which Phuket is justifiably renowned is rapidly being resumed. |
