The new-look La Trattoria took me on a journey from the Italian seaside to the French Riviera, over to Santorini and back to Phuket. It was all very seductive and very stylish.

As I entered, a smiling maitre d' appeared from nowhere and, without a word, led me to a fountain-side table in an al fresco courtyard. There was the crab sitting up with a few friends. Napkins were starched, cutlery gleamed in the candlelight, and ice cubes tinkled with each polite sip.

"Take a seat," said the crab. "Have some wine". The waiter poured a divine drop of white. "It's a '95 La Cala Sella & Mosca. Fresh, grassy notes, wouldn't you say? The Contessa has been delayed. She sent me in her place. You must forgive her. This is her favourite seaside holiday resort, and she is so looking forward to her return".

Confused, I nodded knowingly.

"She comes here every year you know," said the crab. "And La Trattoria has been transformed. The old restaurant, in case you don't recall, was very ‘old Italy’; a skip in the Alps, one might say".

I nodded some more.

Dinner was served. I dined on trio of risotto: rock lobster, basil pesto and seafood; penne al' matriciana; Sicilian tuna steak — seared the way I like it — with capers, olives, tomato and herbs; and dark chocolate truffle cake with grappa cream. The red wine flowed. It was Italian, of course. A '97 vintage.